How to Help a Screaming Toddler - Dealing with Temper Tantrums

My regular readers know that I was the neighborhood babysitter in my teens; I have three adult children; and that my granddaughter is 2-years old. Let’s face it is not easy raising children, for it takes an extreme amount of patience. When the children are screaming it can be hard to maintain control and remained focused on maintaining your cool. When dealing with a toddler you need even more patience because most 2-year olds cannot verbalize what they feel. Rule of thumb when a 2-year old is screaming, whether it is a full blown solo tantrum, or at a sibling or you, most of the time he or she is expressing frustration. Here are my top 10 ways to help a screaming toddler.

1. Be the example. Always maintain your cool. You are the parent; you are the adult; and you are in control. Your anxiety, anger, and frustration will just escalate the problem. The child needs to know that you can comfort him or her in their “2-year old crisis.” You can handle this. Take a deep breath and get ready for the rest of my suggestions.

2. Rule out any basic factors: the child is tired, hungry, thirsty, wet, tummy hurts, etc. Lower your body so that you’re eye to eye. Interrupt the screaming, “Excuse me, Liza, are you tired, etc.? Go through the list one at a time. If the answer is “yes,” take care of those basic needs first. They will likely calm down on their own.

3. If number 2 doesn’t apply, soothe the child by rubbing their back, stroking their hair or hands. Again, bring yourself down to their level and ask them to talk to you. “Tell mommy why you’re so upset, mad, crying, screaming. We can fix it.” Use soothing words, “It’s ok sweetie.” “Mommy can’t understand you when you’re screaming.” Use your words, ok?” Encourage the talk. They need to learn to express themselves verbally.

4. Find out if the toddler has been aggravated by someone else in their immediate area. Siblings can be notorious for instigating a conflict. If this is the case, address the instigator and let them know that is not how to behave with a 2-year old. Then follow through with appropriate discipline (ex: time-out) if it’s a sibling.

5. Physically remove the toddler from the aggravating factor. Sit him or her on your lap. Calmly ask what is wrong and wait a little bit for them to calm down or find his or her words.

6. Distract the toddler with a toy, a snack, or a book, maybe their favorite kid’s movie. Take him or her outside for fresh air. Ask them what they want to do – “Do you want a snack;” “How about playing with your blocks, cars, dolls, etc.” “Do you want to go outside with Mommy and get fresh air?” These ideas teach them how to refocus on positive things instead of remaining frustrated and angry.

7. When they comply with your directives in settling themselves down give hugs and kisses and tell them you love them. “I’m so glad you’re feeling better.”

8. When the child is calmer, let them know that it’s not nice to scream and how important it is to “use your words.” Hopefully, they are not seeing you scream and out of control during the day. If no screaming is allowed in the house, that means you too.

9. Sometimes you may have to break out the “big guns” – act silly, make up a silly song about the child using his or her name, make funny faces, funny noises, act like a monkey or a chicken and be a clown for a couple of minutes. Or put on some music and dance with them. Nothing better than getting a good laugh after being upset. I’ve often made a fool out of myself to keep the peace.

10. Keep children on a regular schedule. Make a chart for yourself if you need to. It keeps their life organized and peaceful. They will learn quickly what is going to happen each day. I had to make a chart for myself when my kids were babies. I had a 2-year old, 4-year old, and 6-year old to manage. Those kids knew when everything was going to happen; and I rarely dealt with screaming. Keep them busy.

This tips reinforce positive behavior, teach your children how to communicate, and they learn how to handle their emotions. They will do so willingly as children and adults. Even better, they’ll pass it along to their children. My son Michael has been teaching these things to his daughter. I have to tell you, it’s hysterical to see a 25-year old man who is 6 feet 7 inches tall act like a monkey to entertain a 2-year old. He even breaks out the entire stuffed monkey collection and acts like a “barrel of monkeys.” It’s a riot. His daughter’s laugh is just priceless.

Special thanks to savanahl for inspiring me to make a Hub about this issue.

By Liza Lugo, J.D.

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